Insight

Have you ever realized that sometimes you just need to sit and let your thoughts flow? You'll come to conclusions you never before came to. You confirm things you already knew. You just need to open up the flood gates and let your thoughts flow freely.

I did just that this morning. My thoughts go places I've never before been. I have come to realize that I am a creator. We all know that I have been reading Deepak Chopra lately, The Book of Secrets in particular. I've already picked next month's book. I'll be reading Bhudda: A Story Of Enlightenment also by Mr. Chopra. He could easily be the author whose entire volume of work I will read. He really makes me think, and he makes me aspire to come to my own conclusions about life. Also, I am coming to a more positive and realistic outlook of life. Although I think some might not say it's that realistic, because the way I think about things is strictly thinking. I don't think that makes sense to anyone else. I think thoughts and then I learn how they are applied to life is what I mean I guess. Like I have come to the thought that your life is yours, your blunders and successes are yours to make and not for anyone else. You have to make of your life what you will, and nothing more than that. This journey is about you and what you want to do and about who you are. You can't hold anyone else responsible for you. I came to this thought and now I am trying to live it. I think the fact that I think it first, and I try to formulate how to do things makes it unrealistic, but the thoughts themselves aren't really unrealistic. They are very real things, but things I have yet to experience.
I also think a lot of thoughts that none of us have any way of knowing until we arrive at whatever comes next. They are sort of pre-hindsight biases, if you will. I think that if you love God, then you can love everything else and if you are on what ever path He meant you to be on then you are going to be okay. Loving God isn't an exact formula because no one is exactly the same, but you do the best you can to love God and love all of creation the way he made you to be. Obviously know one knows this, and they won't while they are living this life. Maybe the thought that there is something after this life, and something that created you to create is just a futile thought. I don't happen to think this way, but maybe I'm wrong. So looking back when I reach whatever there is after this life, which I happen to think is Heaven/Nirvana/Paradise, I'll either know that I was right or wrong. When it comes to free will, here is how I think of it. We are all dealt our hands in life, but it is up to us to decide what to do with those hands. That's the best way I have ever heard it described, and the best way I can describe it.
I think in terms of ideals, I'm very idealistic. But I know I am this way for a reason. We are all made how we are made for a purpose. And it's up to us to decide that purpose. That's what I mean about being a creator, we create our life based on how we are made. Again this is something that I or none of us can know til after death. I haven't always thought in such grandiose terms I am sure. But I have always idealized things before they happen. I remember always planning my first days of school out, and I was always super stressed out when I had no idea what to expect. I used to miss tons of school, and I was always super scared when I walked in to my class because I had no way of controlling other people's thoughts and reactions. I was only in control of mine, but I didn't know how to guide mine until I was given theirs and that was what was so stressful about it. But this is hindsight thought formulation. I didn't know these things then, I only form the thoughts now that I can look back on them.
Another thing is I don't know if any of this is even making any sense to any one else. I make connections between things that I think other people don't think to make. I'm not saying that from an inflated ego, it's actually an insecurity of mine. That I'm not able to relate to other people in my way of thinking, which is very close to the definition of insanity. I'm very afraid of being insane. But I know I'm not because I can empathize well, I can feel other people's emotions as much as my own, and if I can feel their emotions then I can't I arrive at their way of thinking about something too? I'm also afraid of becoming pretentious and of not leading a path that is true to myself. I'm afraid of doing things just because I am expected to do them, because that is not a path that is true to myself. I can't lead a happy and fulfilled life if I don't arrive at my own conclusions. And now I arrive full circle in my thoughts to take them down other paths. All my thoughts are very circular, I start with point and the best way for me to think about new things is for me to follow a path until I reach my starting point again.

While all these thoughts are going on in my head I'm also thinking about other things too. I'm thinking about how I want to lessen my carbon footprint on the world, and how I just really want to be married, and how I'm afraid that I'll be infertile when I'm finally ready to have kids in the very distant future and how sad it will make me to never look at a little curly headed blonde girl and know that she has half of me in her and is something in this world that is truly mine, and how I'll never find what career I am meant to have, and that I won't make an impact on the world ever -that I won't ever help to make something better for someone else.

That is just a little bit of insight into my head when my thoughts aren't directed to one specific thing. I can focus when the time comes for me to focus, and sometimes I like to be focused more than I like to let my mind freely flow because after a while my head starts to hurt from all the circles I am doing in it. Which I know makes me sound crazy, but I'm not really crazy I'm just strange I think. But I'm very proud of myself because I am coming to the place where I am finally able to express these circles. I'm finding adequate enough words to express my thoughts, which is something I have always struggled with. I always felt inadequate because I couldn't relate to anything that was adequate enough for other people. Maybe that's what the process of growing is, finally being able to come out of your shell with something adequate enough to express your shell... And getting to the point where you aren't afraid to express yourself like that. And getting to the point where you know you are going somewhere, you just don't know where exactly that is yet but you are preparing for the journey. Growing also is being able to look back and know what you were thinking, and why you were thinking it. And most importantly I think growing is different for everyone. These are my conclusions about growing right now, this is how I am growing. But it's different for you. I also have this growing feeling that everything is similar on the most basic of levels, but there are just endless variations which makes everything seem so different. So growing on its most basic level is changing in a way that is better for you, or at least a way that seems better for the time being.

Are you as dizzy as I am yet?