Father Figures

Okay well I am not entirely sure if I have ever mentioned my mother in the duration of this blog, but I know that I certainly have not mentioned my father. There are two reasons behind this infallible knowledge. One being that I don't know him, and have never known him. The second being that it is just too painful for me to indulge in thoughts of him.
But tonight I just can't help it. I just got done watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. There's a part where the daughter reads all the post cards addressed to her and I couldn't help but wonder if maybe somewhere out there there are post cards like that addressed to me. Post cards that will tell me how sorry he is that he was never there to kiss me goodnight. Post cards that express the most extreme of sorrows at not being there to soothe my first broken heart(knowing that my first broken heart should not be over him, no girl's first broken heart should be). Something addressed to me that would let me know that I wasn't nothing to him. Not knowing him is the one thing in my life I would change. My mother has done an incredible job, and this wanting to know him has nothing to do with her. It just hurts to wonder if you are ever on your father's mind, to wonder if he ever thinks about you and is pained by the fact that he has never seen your smile or heard your laugh. To wonder if he loves you...
I've always put up the tough mask when it comes to issues concerning me not knowing my father. You know, the old line ''It's his loss that he doesn't know me. He is the one missing out.'' But this is exactly that, a hardened facade. Because he isn't the only one missing out in this situation, I'm missing out too. I'm missing out on ever being a daddy's girl. I never got that choice. So for just one night I am going to indulge in these thoughts that are too painful for my own good. I am going to think about the guy that otherwise would be daddy. Tomorrow I will lock these feelings back up in the conditioned little box I keep them in normally and put that facade back up.

But for just this one night, I am going to explore all the corners of that little box.