I'm tired.

Exhausted might be a better word. Mentally, physically... whatever other kinds of ways you can wear yourself comepletely down by.

I' m not suicidal, in any way at this point in time, but I am really just tired of life I think. It's hard, too hard. Even more, I'm tired of always having the rug of happiness pulled out from under me. SO many things are going on, and I feel like my life is just kind of collapsing around me.

Yesterday, when asked by the guy I am very, very interested in if I was happy, I replied that I was very happy. In that moment, I couldn't feel happier. Until I found out he wasn't as happy as I was, or even as happy as he's ever been. I felt a lot of different ways in that moment. The first thing I felt was my walls go up. Walls that make me impenetrable to outside pain. Walls that keep me completely within myself. Walls that aren't easy to take back down. As the walls went up, I felt like I was falling from the highest of heights. I was hurtling towards the bottom of a deep black hole, where everything becomes my fault. The next thing I felt was stupid for letting myself be so vulnerable to someone else, stupid for letting my life revolve around them to the point where the possibility of them no longer being my center sends me completely out of orbit, stupid for letting myself fall head over heels.
He's assured me that nothing is set in stone, and that he'll probably feel better when I'm physically around. But I've been left too many times to not guard my heart closely now. Daddy issues? Clearly.

The other thing that's really bothering me is my job. I feel like it's too hard for me, but I OBVIOUSLY can't express that freely. My mom told me as she was leaving to go to the website fore her new job, because they were still looking for people. I'm not even 100% possitive that I was going to leave Poland, cause I like the money that I make a lot. Well, my stepdad overheard and asked why, and I told him I felt the job was too hard for me he got all abashed and started going off about how I work on the easiest line in the plant and how it's the easiest job he's ever had and yadda, yadda, yadda... I held back the tears as I crept to my room and thought "well, that's great for you but it's the hardest job I've ever had!" Now I know he's gonna tell everyone and they're all gonna ask me about it or even worse, judge me and think I'm too weak. In all honesty though, I am.

I'm too weak to handle my own life when the going gets tough. I want to give up at times like these. All the good stuff doesn't feel worth all this pain.

I'm sitting here waiting for the straw that's gonna break this camel's back.