Well. I am currently in Maine. The state. It's absolutely lovely up here. Totally not what I was expecting. Though, I would say it's only great to visit here. I couldn't imagine having to live here. I would gain about 500 pounds from boredom eating.
A lot is going on in my life. A lot is always going on in my life. Then again, a lot is usually going on in a lot of people's lives, right? (trying to not be so self-centered)
Let's skip all the blah blah blahs and yada yada yadas tonight though shall we?
The point of this blog is my realization of capsizing. Not a literal capsizing (I've still never been sailing) but a metaphorical one.
Driving (the one and a half hour drive) to the beach today I heard a Matt Nathanson song (Come On Get Higher). Brief interlude- Maine plays some pretty good music. Resuming point- Tonight I've been listening to Matt Nathanson as I troll the internet(because I heard him earlier and haven't listened to his stuff in a great long while). While listening to the song Car Crash I payed special attention to the word ''capsize.'' I wondered about it's exact meaning. I suppose it is a common enough word that everyone knows the general meaning of. But what exactly was its precise meaning?
A quick google search provided me my answer:
- Capsize- overturn accidentally; turning upside down; turning over and revealing the bottom side
My epiphany comes into play here. I am in a capsized state. I took on lots of water in my life (when it rains, it pours). All my futile bailing attempts failed me. I turned over and revealed my bottom side (twss?). More so I turned upside down and the darkest bottom was revealed to me. I've been in this capsized state with my life for a while now. If you were to ask me if this was my life plan, I would say absolutely not. I was doing really well for a time, but then somehow I took a wrong turn and started hitting rapid after rapid. It was an accidental overturning, but i can't play ignorant. We all know about these little things called consequences, well mine was I got stuck. So here I've been floating upside down for the past... well the past year and a half I would say.
But the first step to rehabilitation is admittance right? So here I am admitting my sins. "I'm prone to depravity." I think my boat has miraculously been turned back the right way though.
I am still very water-logged however. It's going to take awhile to bail out all this stuff that's had me so stuck.
At this point I'm trying. I can't do anymore than that. I'm still going to fail a lot. There are going to be days when I take on more water, I'm sure of it.
I've got to admit that I am not strong. I am so weak. At the sign of any kind perseverance on my part, I let go.
I've got to admit that I am lazy. Anything that requires strenuous effort on my part is not a part of my life.
Maybe that's why I got so stuck in the first place...
Well, hopefully I do get rid of all this water. I'm so tired of drowning. At this point nothing is sure. I don't know what exactly my next step is. I don't have any kind of a plan. I'm just praying that the steps are revealed to me and that for once in my life, I can persevere and follow them.
On a more uplifting Matt Nathanson note; "All we are, we are. Every day's the start of something beautiful.''
Signing off- "Good morning! In case I don't see yah: good afternoon, good evening, and good night."
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