Cheez-Its -Get Your Own Box.

In the past three days I have eaten a entire box of them by myself. That's all I have eaten is a box of Cheez- Its. I'm kind of sick to stomach at the thought of that.
My mass consumption of Cheez-Its is not my real topic tonight. This is -straight from my journal to your screen.

''It's a Monday which means that The Bachelor is on. It is the season with Jake, Tenley, and Ali. (I only mention those names because they are my favorites.)
Tonight Tenley danced for Jake. Her dancing is from her heart, it is something that is embedded within her. Something that she does is just an innate part of her being. I don't have that. There's nothing that is so inherent within me that when I share it with another person, it's me literally showing them my heart. That worries me because I am not sure if it is something you find or if it is just something you know.
I do know one thing about my heart. I know that I take love more seriously than anything else. Not just being in love, but loving another being. I wish there was a way for everyone who I love to just know that I love them, and that everything I do with or for them is an expression of that love.
But I can't wait to be in love. I can't wait to find that someone who is everything I have ever hoped for, and I can't wait to be that person in return. I get so scared and worried that I haven't even come close to that yet. I can only hope that it will happen someday. I don't think anyone understands how serious I am about this, about my husband, about finding the man who I'll spend forever with. I can't even comprehend never having that.
When I imagine my relationship with him, I always find it as one with complete openness and complete comfort. Besides all of my hopes of what he'll somewhat be like, that's the one thing that will let me know I've found it. I'll be more comfortable with him than I am with myself, I'll be able to share anything with him. I've never had that with another human being. I don't want to have to think and weigh everything I say with/to/around him, and when I find someone that I can be that free with I'll know I've arrived. That's how I'll know I've found home. That I've found the half of me that has always been missing.
But before I do that, I need to make this half whole. That's what I am trying to do.''

Like I said, those are the exact words from my private journal. I felt compelled to share them.

I need to address my past mistake publicly. Lance - I let that happen out of the insecurities that I'll never find that person who is everything I have ever wanted. Despite words I said that may have directly contradicted this, he was not everything I have ever wanted (not even a quarter of anything I have ever even thought I wanted). I only felt whatever it is I felt for him when I was in direct contact with him. I have apologized to my friends who had to put up with that whole drama profusely. But I make this one last statement of apology, and say it for them one last time - you guys told me so. I am sorry that I didn't listen to you. I acted like a brat whenever you tried to say something that contradicted something that I thought I was feeling. I blocked out your constructive criticisms completely. IF (HUGE if here girls) I ever act that way again I give you direct permission to drown my phone, change all my passwords, erase all contact sources with whatever is making me act that way, and to lock me up until I come around to your way of thinking about things again. That is my final word on the matter.
Even though he was a huge mistake, one I am not proud of making nor one I even like admitting to making I learned some valuable things from that mistake. Things that I need (like the fore mentioned ease of communication and effortlessness of sharing my innermost thoughts), things that I really can't stand both in another person and myself, and certain characteristics and abilities that I really need to investigate more about, but definitely characteristics and abilities that I think that I desire.
I really feel like I am starting to grow up. It's only taken the better part of twenty years to do so, but I'm finally getting to the place where I can get to that place that I want to be. I'm done trying to explain certain actions, and trying to seek permission from others. I'm taking up the reigns of my own life and finding out all the things that are most important to me - on my own without the influence or sway of others. I'm getting to the place where I can confront my insecurities and fears face to face and actually find words that explain how I feel. I don't say these things for the benefit of anyone other than myself. I say these words for myself as an expression of my growth.

I just hope Maggie doesn't grow anymore from all those Cheez-Its I engrossed.